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the update, the hospital, the baby [Dec. 23rd, 2005|11:19 am]
[mood | distressed]

I came back to work today after being out all week, it's a relief to be back i must say, feels like the first step towards normalcy again. I have been trying to keep a good outlook and smile as much as possible but it's hard. I feel much better being back at home and at work amongst my friends and coworkers. Being around people is what I need, I dont want to let myself get lonely and give myself time to think right now. I am glad to be out of the hospital before Christmas and am glad I will be able to spend it with my family. I hope everyone else has a good time and if you are in lincolnton on Christmas Eve gimme a call if you would like to come to my family's party. Just a lot of food and drinking, should ease my mind to be in good spirits. I am looking forward to Installation on the 30th and of course New Years. I suppose I will have new things to look forward to this new year. Pablo and I still are planning on moving and buying our house. I am excited about this.

On another note, this is how the week went down for those wanting to read it...

Monday morning I decided to go to the emergency room because I was bleeding pretty heavily and that was not a good sign. My mother came and got me and took me to Gaston where I had planned on having the baby anyway. We got there at around 10:45 and I was officially brought back to the ER at 1:30. Around 2:30 the doctor came in and decided to do a cervical exam and take some blood work. They took my blood and said that my hormone levels were at about 5 or 6 weeks when I myself was 13 weeks pregnant...I knew. The docotr came back at around 5 and did the exam. I was taken down for an ultrasound at 6:30 and Pablo showed up to be with me then after work. About an hour later the docotr came back to tell me that there was no heartbeat during the ultrasound and the baby had been dead. It was not something that was caused by me or anything else she assured me it was the position of the baby, it had settled itself at the edge of the tube at the beginning of the cervix and couldn't have developed properly there if it had lived...in fact it could have ruptured and killed me and while this is not so comforting it is a relief to know i was not the reason it died. I then had to go in for surgery...a dnc. My operating doctor came in and prepped me and explained the procedure...supposed to be 15 minutes in and out and never had one go wrong. Mine went wrong. I went into surgery at 8:30 and didnt come out till 10, and i had lost a lot of blood so i would not be going home. pablo stayed with me until i fell asleep and my mom of course stayed with me the entire time. the next day they kept a close eye on me as my body was not naturally expelling the clotting that had built up and my blood levels were very high because i had so much internal bleeding, i would not be going home again. Wed they wouldnt let me eat in case i had to have another surgery but around 2 my blood levels were looking good and my body was absorbing the blood still sitting inside me so they let me go home. Yesterday i spent the day resting and with my mom and my grama and today i decided to come back to work though i am still in a great amount of pain and body aches. Everything seems to be going well and i have a follow up with my doctor next week.
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Frozen Eggnog....ewwww [Dec. 15th, 2005|04:19 pm]
[mood | cold]

Image hosted by Photobucket.com
It's fucking cold outside.
I hope it lasts.
I would really like to drink some hot chocolate.
And maybe watch a movie.
After a hot shower.
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oh god!!!! [Dec. 15th, 2005|08:55 am]
december....
it's the end of another year for everyone
and it's the time to think back on the last year of
your life and sum it all up

for me the past year has been an emotional rollercoaster
i reunited with old friends and they moved in with me
lost several jobs early on in the year
this is the year that pablo found me

pablo and i got together july, 09
5 months later we are still together and happy
i'm pregnant with my first child
i moved to charlotte in august (something i always wanted to do)

and at the beginning of the new year
we will move to lincolnton
we will buy a house
we will have our own space

in the middle we will have our new baby

all in all this last year has been good to me
but i have another busy year ahead of me

my philosophy is simple
and i have had a hard time in the past
as a matter of fact someone i once treasured
made a very nasty remark about me yesterday
but never have any regrets
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(no subject) [Dec. 14th, 2005|01:20 pm]
Image hosted by Photobucket.com
Subway is like the best ever
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(no subject) [Dec. 14th, 2005|09:15 am]
I finished putting up my tree last night
I feel acomplished
Pablo and I got dinner at Panera and then layed in bed and watched t.v. until we passed out at like 9:00!!
9 o fucking clock!!
Getting up early is a fucking bitch
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(no subject) [Dec. 13th, 2005|01:09 pm]
So I am finally back home!!
That's right I am finally back in my apartment in my bed and sleeping soundly

Now all I have to do is get ready for the move
Life is so unfair sometimes
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What I hate... [Dec. 1st, 2005|04:40 pm]
I hate "friends"
see, i have lots of these and i hate them.

let me tell you why...

since i have becom pregnant and needing more responsibility in my life i dont hear from these "friends"

my "friends" do not come over

my "friends" do not call

my "friends" dont even talk to me at work

i havent fiugured out if this is all due to the pregnancy but that is all i can conceive is that i am just not as much fun anymore and not necassary.

i am tired.

i am tired of carting my "friends" around only when they need me

i am tired of my "friends" taking advantage of my kindness

i am tired of worrying myself sick over this

but mostly i am just tired of being alone


living away from pablo right now is the hardest thing i have ever had to do. he is my only friend and i am beginning to see this more and more everyday. granted there are a few and i do mean FEW exceptions to the "" but for the most part...

i hate my "friends" and i hate myself because of it.
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I hate him so much... [Nov. 22nd, 2005|04:41 pm]
Things I want to do to Jon.Wooley:

Put sugar in his gas tank
Put a bananna in his tailpipe
Put an ass bullet up his butt (not in the good way)
Carve the word "douche" in his forhead
Fire him (if i had the ability)
Cut up his leather coat
Put cyanide on his baby carrots
Eat all his celery
Hide his lunch cooler in the back of the mens room toilet
Dip his sandwhich in toilet water and let him eat it
Steal all the little things on his desk that make him happy
Kidnap his cats
Delete excel from his computer
Make him do extended func
Take away his email privleges
Blow second hand smoke in his lungs
Give him a laxitive in his coffee
Spray douche in his mouth
Make him french kiss a cactus
Shave his head in his sleep
Put his bra in the freezer after putting it in water
Cover him in honey and let the bees attack
Tar and feather him
Pour water on the front of his pants so it looks like he wet himself
Make him cry like a bitch
If he was diabetic, I would feed him candy and tell him it was sugar free


And anything else that wont kill him but will make him cry.
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All I wanted... [Nov. 11th, 2005|08:54 am]
So last night started off well enough...left work and went to dinner at the Mr. Taco with Stoj and Sarah and Pablo...I really liked it, but I dont think they liked it as much but I really liked it! I took Pablo to get some sparks at the store and dropped him off at home then went back up to work with Stoj to make up some time. He went to Rick's while I stayed there and I called him when I was ready. We left work and went back to the apartment to get Pablo and CxN and Robbie who were there waiting and off we went to the breakfast club. Got to the breakfast club and am having a great time talking and laughing with all my friends (this is the first time I've been out in a long time, yea about two months since I got pregnant). Everything is going well, it's Amy's birthday and Justin came out from Lincolnton.

This is where it turns not so good.

Stoj has been playing bar runner (he is drunk and wants to be a good guy and help everyone out) so everytime he comes to the table he leaves his original drink there and takes orders for everyone then goes to the bar and gets their drinks while ordering another drink for himself, it was pretty funny. At one point in time I picked up 4 full bottles of beer and 2 jager boms and took them to him at the bar and said "hey fella, before you go spending anymore money, these are all yours" he doesnt believe me but drinks them anyway. Jody and Stephan both knew I was there to take him home so they let him drink his little heart out last night.

Pablo meanwhile has allready drank 4 sparks at home before we go out (he hasnt drank in almost a month, half because of funding and half because i cant drink and he feels bad)and he proceeds to have 2 more at the bar so he is on a 6 pack of sparks. He swears he isnt drunk and though he isnt sloshed like Stoj is I know he has a pretty good drunk going on because he is jawing.

Keep in mind I am pregnant and drinking water so my recollection is quite acurate.

So here is where it turns sour...

Stoj has brought Pablo 2 drinks that he hasnt finished and demands that he drink more so he grabs his arms and twists them behind his back and kinda lays him out so his back is parallell to the ground but he's still standing on two feet (best way i can explain). Needless to say Stoj is in no condition to be supporting someone's body weight and Pablo is getting irratated because Stoj is pulling on him. So he tells him he needs to let go. Stoj realizes he's not happy and releases him and then they go into drunken babble about how good of friends they are and dont want to make each other mad.

Not too bad right?

Allright so about a half an hour and god knows how many drinks later. Stoj re-appears. He wants to talk about work (for those of you who dont know, Stoj also happends to be our direct manager in charge, our boss).

BREAK: let me add in here that work is a very sore subject for Pablo who makes at least a dollar less than everyone else in our department and has almost been there a year: UNBREAK

So Stoj tells him about some changes to be made and everyone is getting raises including Pablo and he gets to choose how much his raise is so he "guantees" him at least a 4 dollar raise. Okay, first of all when you are the club and having a good time you dont want to talk about work and second you dont want to be falsly promised money by your boss who is so trashed is not going to remember any of it and 4 dollars can easily be turned into .40 cents. ANYWAY! Pablo just says "Man, I'll believe it when I see it but I dont want to talk about work anymore, we arent at work and I want to have fun" allrighty. So Stoj keeps on going about how he CANT fire us so we just need to make sure we are there and do our jobs and he doesnt care if I have morning sickness, I need to get to work and tough it out.

BREAK AGAIN: okay my morning sickness has been making me almost suicidal it's so bad so there are day when I just cant cut it and my higher up boss Phil knows the deal and Stoj knows so this really kind of hurts me when he says this esspecially when I fear my morning sickness may be turning into hypermesis: UNBREAK AGAIN

Allright so right about this time he is hanging on Pablo swaying around like drunks do and up until this very point it was kind of amusing...

He swings his arm over and knocks every drink on the table over on me...this includes 2 half left mixed drinks, 3 full beers and my very full water. I am soaked and start crying and head to the bathroom to dry off.

Pablo, being the hot-head that he is, is furious now to his allready aggravated mood and decides we are leaving right there and then so he goes in search of Justin. When I come out of the bathroom, Stoj is still sittting at the table looking pitiful and wont talk to anyone so we get ready to go. As we are walking out Jody comes up to me and asks if I am leaving to which I tell the story (by the way...Stoj has gotten up from the table and in the process knocked the whole thing over leaving a terrible mess) So I tell Jody what happened and he asks if I will go with Stephan to get Stoj to come home. Yes, I am a good friend and dont want to leave him there, I will go. So we go...it's Stephan's birthday and the dj and him get all wrapped up in the fact that he's made an appearance on the second floor so he was no help. In the meantime Stoj pushes me (keep in mind, pregnant, sober, drenched in various drinks, and allready crying), I make one more attempt to get him to come home but he's not ready to leave and pushes me again. It wasnt like pushing me to the ground but it was enough where I had to catch my balance. This hurts my feelings all the more so I just leave.

I find Jody and appologize for the mess Stoj made that he is cleaning up and for not being able to get him out. He assures me he wont hold me responsible and thanks me for trying so I leave.

That's it, thats the story and I'm still very upset.

THE END.
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(no subject) [Nov. 3rd, 2005|01:18 pm]
Though the first day seems like it was so far away it was actually closer to yesterday than we could conceive.

I remember the first moments of our lives together, you drunk and me sleepy but I kept you with me because I needed your warmth and comfort. You were happy to let me lay in your arms and you rocked me back to sleep.
The next time we were together was the first time we kissed after i had freed myself from the burden of the masses and we were able to have guilt free satin kisses on your couch.
The next three days were like a blur full of glow sticks and bank cards, powder white living rooms and sitting in dark closets...chewed up pacifiers and lots and lots of candy.
Then there was the outing not but a day later, still strung out and holding out on each other unsure of what was next but knowing beyond words that it was time and it was right, swaying to music and making movies in dark corners of "the room".
I stole whatever I needed to find my way back to you, I needed you and you were always there so wherever I found you thats where I was too. We found each other in the dark like two cats, instinctively.
We couldnt continue like this for long, only on the weekends wasnt enough for either of us and soon i was to be without a home or bed. We stuggled and we pulled through and when I got sick it was you who made me better and kissed the life back into me.
You gave me a home and a new life and I've been happier than ever these past four months than I've been in my life and it's all because of you, it's all because your love pulled me through.
Drunken rumpleminze and I'm laying on the kitchen floor screaming about heartburn, you pick me up and set me on the bench in the kitchen, this is when i tell you i love you, you do the same for me and i knew then as i know now that it's real, it's always been real.
So here we are now three months later and I'm stuggling to keep our baby, OUR baby. Our love which will slowly become visible on my form and in the eyes of others, our friends who have loved us and treated us so well. Your friends, your friends that adopted me like the little sister that they always wanted and now love me in their own way. Supported us from the beginning because they can see how real it is too.
You dont need a magnifying glass for love like this...just review.

I love you.
I always will.
And you will mean more to me than anything for all eternity.
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This is so shitty [Nov. 1st, 2005|02:01 pm]
[mood | uncomfortable]

Let me tell you what being a mother is...

It's making fucking sacrifices. Quitting Smoking and drinking and all the fun things in life cause you have a baby the size of a teddy grahm in your belly sucks! This shit is so hard man! Not to bitch about it or anything but damn! Okay okay time to breathe. I have been a moody bitch the past couple of days let me tell you...pregnant, yes i am. I had to go to the emergency room Sunday night for an allergy related asthma attack due to guess what?! The fucking cats. So now they have me on a serious dosage of steroids to top off my allready pregnant moody ass....nice one. Okay bitch session done.
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Baby Time!! [Oct. 28th, 2005|04:35 pm]
[mood | cheerful]

Allright kids it's official...

In case you havent heard...I'm pregnant. That's right folks, Pablo and I are going to have a baby and we are both terrified and excited at the same time. It's going to be an adventure but we are both looking forward to it.
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Ugh [Oct. 21st, 2005|11:19 am]
[mood | depressed]

So I'm sitting here at work and I'm hardcore procrastinating doing any work for the following three reasons:

1. I'm in a lot of pain

2. I'm freezing ass cold in this cave of a capture room

3. I'm so fucking hungry

I cant stop fucking crying! I dont know if it's because I have a vagina or what but i am so seriously depressed right now. so unsatisfied (dont worry kids it has nothing to do with my sweetheart), and just blah. i just feel like i'll never be on top, that i'll never have the things in life that i really desire, hell i cant even put together a halloween costume because i am broke and fat. pablo doesnt know what to do...all he can do is hug me and tell me nice thing but they are all pretty much in vain cause there isnt much of anything that is going to pull me out of this. i'm seriously stressed the fuck out and i dont know why...i just want to recluse, to hide under my fluffy comforter with my lizard and snuggle with him.

On a better note, Ruby officially moved in last night, brought the cats and everything so that is great!!

Someone send me some love...please.
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The Weekend [Oct. 17th, 2005|10:16 am]
[mood | amused]

The weekend was a good one

Friday night we left and went to Pablo's mom's house to help her move, we got all the furniture loaded on the truck and to the storage building. I might also add here that Jessie (Pablo's 13 yr old little brother) was of no help...he acted like a little girl the entire time we were moving to get out of helping anyone move anything. We would've been screwed had it not been for donna and her super-human strength...this woman is crazy!! We got our Cinnamon and now she is happy and safe at home with us, she has been such a good girl too doing much better in the apartment environment than we thought she would. She mainly stays in our closet asleep on top of our clothes...she has a thing for sleeping on clothes. She's so cute.

Saturday was fun, i got up around 10 and started making breakfast for Pablo and Stoj and I. I made omllettes and cinnamon rolls and bacon, goddamn it was good. We got up to howards creek around 1:30. Shaina and I took off to walmart while the boys trained so i could get a few things including a flea collar for cinnamon. Got back to howards creek and i started to train. I took three bumps and had to stop...my retarded ass thought it would be a good idea to tape down my chest for training because my boobs are such an obstacle and i cant rightly afford a training bra right now. yeah, needless to say, it wasnt a good idea because three bumps into training and i felt like i had been impaled through the lung. pablo unwrapped me and i rested for the rest of the day. had to take a weed nap in the backseat of the car before the show since i was working the camera multiplexer. we went to mikey and shane's later on and got toasted. shane had gone out to the bar with heather and ashley so it was really just me and the boys till almost 2....shaina showed up around 1:30 but shane and ashley and hedder came home around 2, as soon as pablo realized ashley was there he got up to leave and told everyone bye. i wasnt really ready to leave, i had just cracked open a beer and was wanting to socialize and of course get to hang out with heather some since we still havent had a chance but my loyalty is to pablo first and foremost and he had been drinking too so it was probably better that we did leave, that way there was no drama and he didnt regret anything in the morning. it really makes me feel like shit though...more on this later.

Sunday I slept...i mean allllll day slept. i would wake up to smoke a bowl and then pass right back out, except stoj and little tim came over at some point and we all got high, i got to meet little tim! then pablo cooked cheeseburgers for dinner and i passed back out. damn the weed!

That brings me to now...here....at the porn palace....no work yet this morning which is okay with me because i busted my ass friday and THEN got chewed out for it....more on that later too.

Love love love
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Sometimes... [Oct. 14th, 2005|10:56 am]
[mood | crushed]
[music |h.i.m. /dark light]

Sometimes i feel as though I'll never be satisfied
Sometimes i feel as though i'm never right
sometimes i feel as though you dont treat me like an adult
sometimes i feel as though things are just too tumultuous
sometimes i feel as though my heart is going to burst
sometimes i feel as though i'll never get this right
sometimes i feel as though you dont care
sometimes i feel as though you're not really there
sometimes i feel as though you dont appreciate me
sometimes i feel as though i'm not good enough
sometimes i feel as though life will never end
sometimes i feel as though i cant let go
sometimes i feel as though things are just too hard
sometimes i feel as though you dont know me
sometimes i feel as though you dont want to
sometimes i feel as though things are getting better
sometimes i feel as though things are falling apart

but through all this i feel as though i couldnt possibly live my life without you.
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(no subject) [Oct. 12th, 2005|01:40 pm]
by the way...myspace is a bitch today
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(no subject) [Oct. 12th, 2005|10:50 am]
Wow I cant believe I havent posted in so long. Not that there's been much going on. I've been sick the last two days. Stoj told me to go home from work yesterday which is going to cost me some dollars seeing as how i do not have any sick time as of yet. I have been doing pretty well at work, i've moved on to learn the capture position as well as my own so slowly i am learning everything that goes on in our room...though i am the only person in the room that is crosstrained in two positions besides nikki, she and i both are trained in each other's positions. I really love working here.

Pablo and I are helping his mother move this weekend, she and Cinnamon and gizmo and sassy will be coming to stay with us for a few weeks...cinnamon may be staying longer. i'm looking forward to it seeing as how i love ruby so much and she will cook me goulash. fuck yea!!

hmmmmm what else..

nothing really.

hmmmm i will post some more later...
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The weekend [Oct. 3rd, 2005|09:32 am]
[mood | sore]

This weekend was pretty exciting.

Friday I got the car back and we just spent the evening at home pretty much hanging out and slept in Saturday. We went to the wrestling show Saturday night...I did some training this weekend which was good because i havent been able to train in almost a month since we havent had a show in Lincolnton. Pablo and Mikey won the tag-team belts YAY!!! Saturday night we picked up Sarah and Doyle and went back to Charlotte...Boone came over and Stoj was there...we ate some beans together. Sarah baked a cake, Stoj wore a pink wig and glow in the dark sunglassses around all night...Pablo wore a blue wig all night. I was so fucked up it was great. I remember looking at pablo, handing him the bong and saying "okay well my roll just kicked in I think i'll go vomit now." hahahha Boone came in right then and decided he wanted to watch so him and sarah sat in the bathroom with me for a while. Stoj got Jose out of his cage all by himself. It was an extremely enjoyable night.

Sunday was not so much fun...Pablo and I didnt go to bed until 7:30 and we got up at 10:30 to meet my mom in Gastonia to pick up our washer and dryer from Ashley's house. Well when we got there she was having a yard sale and apparently wasnt expecting us, though Pablo talked to her on Friday and left her several messages, well yea she had sold it. She wouldnt give Pablo any of the money she got off of it and was a complete tyrant. It wasnt very pleasent at all. So yea we went back home and picked up Sarah and Doyle to take them home then stopped at Waffle House to eat. We dropped them off and went to the pet store for jose's light and crickets and then went to his mom's to do some laundry and take a nap. I LOVE RUBY!!! She is the most awesome mom in the world!! She lets us come over every weekend and do laundry and pass out and cooks for us...she rocks serious socks. So yea she made up for it being such a shitty morning and of course she is absolutely PISSED at Ashley because technically that washer and dryer is Ruby's she had given it to Pablo when him and Ashley lived together but when they broke up and PAblo moved out he didnt have anywhere to put it so it just stayed there. Oh well, I know Ruby is going to have a little talk with her but it probably wont do any good.

Anyway, thats the update!! Yay for friends. Yay for good weekend. Yay for random drug use.
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My mom is evil... [Sep. 30th, 2005|04:55 pm]
[mood | rejected]

So I asked my mother to use her car till i get mine back....
This is how that goes....

Teresa: Uhm hey mom, I have a question. Do you think I could borrow your car, I mean I know you were planning on coming down for dinner with Grama on Monday but you could come tonight and then after dinner I'll drive you back to Lincolnton since I have to go there anyway. I'll fill it up and get the oil changed for you.

Mom: Well let me call Grama and ask her


10 minutes later....

Mom: Okay well we'll probably drive Grama's car down there and you can ride back with us then when we get to my house you can have my car, but we wont get there until about 7 or so cause I want to go home and change first after work.

Teresa: Okay that works, we are getting a ride home with someone from work anyway and we will probably smoke with them when we get home.

Mom: Oh no, you're not borrowing my car...you arent't going to drive around like that.

Teresa: Mom I wouldnt do that to you, I wont drive your car high.

Mom: Yes you will I know you will. I'm not talking about it anymore I'm at work goodbye.

*Mom hangs up on me*

So then I get online and talk to my Grandma about it and she says mom will call me back to "work something out with me".

Mom: Well what do you need me to do?

Teresa: Well you know I have the wrestling show tomorrow and I have to get the truck to pick up the washer and dryer.

Mom: Well cant you do it another weekend?

Teresa: No mom, we need to do it this weekend. Pablo allready told Ashley that we are coming to get it and if we dont then we arent going to have any clean clothes for work next week.

Mom: Well I'm just not buying your excuses...i can bring the truck to Charlotte and take it back when you are done but it will be around 4.

Teresa: We have to be in Lincolnton for the wrestling show at 6:30.

Mom: Well how are you getting there?

Teresa: Can't you take us?

Mom: How many of you?

Teresa: 3

Mom: Well how are you going to get home? Is Jason's mom going to take you home?

(Pablo's mom lives about 30 minutes farther away from us than my mom does keep in mind)

Teresa: Well no that would be a lot to ask.

Mom: Well you'll just have to find your own way to the show and back, I'm sure you'll manage and I'm sure you can get the washer and dryer another time Teresa...you're just making excuses.

Teresa: Just Forget It.

*I hang up on her* (By now I am crying too)

This is just some insight to the relationship I have with my mother...three months ago when I was getting ready to have to move out of my old apartment since I was currrently unemployed and my roommates helped me out for a month and a half allready I asked her if I can move home..."Well you cant have your room because its the cats room but you can sleep on the couch." and I said "Well where will I put my clothes and my stuff?" mom says "You'll have to do something with it cause you cant bring it here and you can keep your clothes in your car or you can go to the homeless shelter...they feed you there."

Anyway, after I have a near panick-attack she calls back and tells me my car has been fixed and is ready. It was the CV axle just like I said it was and it was still under warranty.

65$ parts and labor
125$ towing

just under 200$

I am relieved.

Pablo and I will rent a uhaul next check to get the washer and dryer. To hell with my mother.
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My piece of shit... [Sep. 30th, 2005|09:42 am]
[mood | aggravated]

So Pablo and I are on our way to work this morning and we stop at McDonalds to get something to eat on the way. Well as I'm going to put my car into first to turn left it makes a huge "knock" noise and when I put it in first it wont move. This is not good. This has also happened before, and quite recently. It's the CV axle I know it is.

So we get out of the car and push it back into the Petro Express employee parking lot and there it is sitting waiting to be towed right now. Luckily, Timmy from work was at the store and gave us a ride to work in his swank ass Cadilliac. I called the guy that does work on my car (In Lincolnton) and told him what happened, he says he doesnt know why it would pop out of place so soon and he needs to look at it. Okay cool so he has me call the towtruck company (also in Lincolnton) and they are going to come get it and take it to him at no out-of-pocket cost to me. They will charge it to Mike and if my car isnt his fuck up then I will repay him.

So the morning has started off extremely rough but it is still good in that we had a ride to work and will not have to pay for the tow immediatly.

Right on.

Send me some love, I need it right now.
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